Broadband Web access is like gum in grade school. If you're going to chew it, you better have enough for the whole class. Everyone wants a piece. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. I think my wife is on the verge of leaving me on narrowband grounds. If I don't get her PC out of modem hell and patched into my cable modem “pronto, mister hardware dweeb,” I may end up at McDonalds every Sunday morning along with all the rest of the divorced dads and their visiting children.

Rarely does an upgrade come with such high stakes.

Cable modem access has been a business necessity for several years in my home office, so when we moved into our new home, it was installed on moving day in my new basement digs. I don't know what kind of crack I must have been smoking that day, but I invited my wife to put her desk downstairs, too. Worse, I must have gone back to the pipe for a second hit, which is my only explanation for installing her desk facing mine. Now, God forbid she gets a busy signal or network congestion from AOL, because I get the kind of withering glare that makes otherwise virile men run for their Viagra bottles. Generally, my wife is a lovely Irish lass with eyes to die for. But when her hand-me-down PC (usually my former hot rod) locks up, those proverbial limpid pools of blue turn into perfect storms – shooting tidal waves of contempt at me. “Why is my machine so slow…always hanging…crawling online?”

Because, my dear, you married a slug. Truth is, the most insignificant glitch in my own system will send me on a week-long troubleshooting obsession that can bring our entire family life to its knees. Sound card warbling? Cable modem not providing lightning fast downloads? A video flicker? “That's it, hon. You and the kids go to your mother's for a week. I have to fix this damned machine, and I'll call you when I'm done.” On the other hand, when I bequeath an old rig to my wife or daughter, it inevitably becomes a hopeless patchwork of old parts and struggling incompatibilities. I regard my previous PCs as I would old lovers. I don't want to deal with them, because I'm happier now and don't want to dwell on past mistakes. Unless, of course my current relationship/machine breaks down for some reason. Them I'm back to the old one like a shot. This is not an analogy my wife appreciates at any time and on any level let alone whenever her mouse stops working.